Ratchet's Rules of Wisdom
by The Official Demonator
Summary: Ratchet's having a bad day and decides it's time for the med bay to have its own rules. Seems simple enough to follow. Will also contain drabbles as chapters in the future. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

_Summary- Ratchet's having a bad day and decides it's time for the med bay to have its own rules. Seems simple enough to follow.._

**Author's Note: I know these really aren't allowed, but before anybody reviews and moans to me about how 'illegal' this fic is on this website, I plan on making individual drabble chapters based off of each rule. Kinda like little stories that go along with each one. :P**

**So please, give it a chance. If anybody has any rules they'd like to see put in action, let me know! :D I'll gladly accept rule suggestions and be sure to include credit to whomever suggested them.**

**Also, very important: If any of the rules below happen to already be created by somebody else, I sincerely apologize. I literally just thought up all of these right now, so I did not copy off of anybody.**

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><p>Due to recent activities, I, Ratchet, Chief Medical Officer, have finally taken time out of my schedule to jot down a few 'Rules of Wisdom'. <em>All<em> must be obeyed.

**1)** First things first. No, you may _not_ borrow my tools. If something or somebody needs fixed, come to _me_ and I'll assess the situation. I keep count and track of every tool in my med bay. If one is missing, I _will_ find you and _will_ beat your aft to kingdom come.

**Besides, 'Sunstreaker and Sideswipe', I know what you do behind my back with my tools and the last time I checked, playing 'horse shoe' with them was **_**not**_** on your schedule.**

**2)** Just because it _fits_ does not mean it should go there. I'm quite sick of mechs (Sideswipe and Sunstreaker to be more specific) coming in and disturbing the peace in my med bay because a slagging human got stuck somewhere they should not be.

**3)** Humans are only allowed inside a Cybertronian when said Cybertronian is in an alternate mode. The only excuse is if we are under attack and the Cybertronian needs a quick battle plan.

The following excuses will _not_ be accepted:

**-You claim to have had a loose wire or cable and Humans are the only species capable of squeezing in tight spots to fix it. If this is an issue, Mikaela will suffice for the situation just fine. She is a mechanic, you know..**

**-You 'could've sworn' said Human got out of your alternate mode before you transformed.**

**-The Human decided to play hide and seek and use your body as the hiding places.**

**-Just because Annabelle looks 'cute' scaling **_**Mt. Ironhide**_**, does not mean it should be happening. Sarah was not pleased and I don't feel like dealing with any injuries that happen from stupidity. Nor do I feel like dealing with Human, hormone-possessed women.**

Once again. No excuses except for battle.

**4)** If I'm busy, then that means wait until a more appropriate time to come and bother me. (Unless it is an emergency). No, '**I had too much high grade and am currently throwing up all over the place**' does not count as an emergency. That goes to Ironhide, the Twins and any other aftholes who think so, too.

**5)** Just because you're leader or head in charge.. Optimus.. Will.. does not mean your place in line jumped from last to first. I have a busy schedule with check-ups that cannot be rearranged. Deal with it.

**6)** Never take a tool out of the med bay and hide them. Ever. The last time that happened, I was more than happy to conjoin a couple twins..

**7)** Hiding my tools _inside_ the med bay counts, too. Don't do it.

**8)** My name is Ratchet. Spelled with an 'R', not an 'H' and you would be wise to remember the difference.

**9)** There will be absolutely no 'sexism'. Besides myself, Mikaela is the only other certified mechanic around here. She asked me to make this rule for her. She's a female. This is not a synonym for 'weak', 'feeble-minded' or 'idiotic'. She knows what she is doing and should be treated with respect. She has tools, too, mind you, and her aim is just as good as mine.

**10)** Last and hopefully least, (unless more incidents occur and I'm forced to make more rules), Any mechs or femmes who think it's okay for their holoforms to consume Human beverages and foods, think again. I'm not cleaning up the mess when your sorry aft transforms back into bipedal mode and vomits all over the place. You _will_ get sick. _Don't do it._

Any questions? Come to me in the med bay and I will gladly answer all to the best of my abilities. If I spot anybody breaking these rules, they are promised to go through numerous levels of torment and anguish, provided by yours truly.

Thank you and have a _wonderful_ life.

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><p><strong>So, whaddya think? :D<strong>


	2. Drabble 1

**Thank you all for the reviews! Here's drabble 1!**

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><p>"Just ask him," Sideswipe begged his brother. "The worst he can say is 'no'."<p>

"_No, Sides,_" Sunstreaker growled, rolling his optics. "You wanna get your aft beat? Then you ask."

"You know what?" Sideswipe snapped, clearly getting agitated and lacking patience. "Forget it. I'm just taking them."

Sunstreaker tried to stop his brother, but it was already too late. When Sideswipe reached the med bay, he opened the door and peaked in. _No sign of Ratch',_ he thought to himself. _Good. He's still at that meeting._ Acting quick, Sideswipe jogged over to the other side, grabbed a few random wrenches sitting on a bench nearby and took off as if Ratchet or the Devil himself were after him. Either one would be bad for his health.

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><p>"Eat shit, Sunny!" Sideswipe yelled with a smug grin.<p>

Sunstreaker growled, "Shut it." Tossing his wrench next, he jumped for joy when it hit the small metal pole sticking up from the ground. The open mouth of the wrench wrapped around the pole smoothly. "Slag yeah! Taste it, Sideswipe!"

A loud tapping caught both of their attention. Slowly turning around, the twins twitched nervously. Standing before them, wrench in one hand and tapped the end of it in the palm of the other, Ratchet glared at both of them.

"Give. Me. The. _Wrenches_," he sounded rather calm then, but he knew it was just the calm before the storm. When either of them were too afraid to move, that was when he released the storm. "_Now!"_

Without hesitation, Sunstreaker tossed the tools back to Ratchet and both landed on the ground in front of him. Without moving an inch, Ratchet watched as the twins took off in the distance, screaming like a couple hooligans.

Smirking, Ratchet bent down to pick the wrenches. When he stood back up, he chuckled. "Might as well give them a few seconds head start." Twirling a wrench in his fingers and putting on a serious face, he made a bee-line for the twins.


	3. Drabble 2

**This goes with rule #2. :D Featuring my OC, Amy Rhodes, who is the human 'mate' of Sideswipe. ^.^**

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><p>"Did I get it yet?"<p>

"No," Sideswipe growled, one eye squinted uncomfortably. "It's higher."

Sideswipe was sitting just on the outskirts of base. To anybody who walked by, he would've looked like an idiot talking to himself, but if a person were to look closer, they'd see the tiny, feminine figure wedged deep inside the mech's metal armor.

"Are you kidding?" she groaned. "I have to go higher?"

"Amy, I'm sorry!" He growled back impatiently. "I'm itchy!"

Amy sighed, but it sounded more as a groan. "Dammit. You owe me for this." She continued to scratched random places, hoping she'd get to the spot he needed scratched.

"Keep going, keep going," he repeated over and over again, and before he knew it, she had reached the spot and he jolted.

Unprepared for the jolt, Amy yelped when her foot slipped. "Sides," she sounded panicked and he could feel hard, jerking movements as she tried to release her foot from his metal grip. "I'm stuck-shit," Sideswipe could feel her tiny movement even more as she struggled to break free.

"How stuck are you?" He asked, sounding paranoid himself, knowing she could easily get injured. Only one option came to mind. Go to the med bay. Eh, he was beginning to have second thoughts. Maybe that wasn't the best choice right now, so he didn't mention it.

"Pretty _damn_ stuck," she gasped. "Ow. Son-of-a-" she struggled more. "We gotta go see Ratchet, now, Sides."

"Hell no," Sideswipe blurted, shaking his head. "No way. I don't have a death wish, Ame."

"Sideswipe!" She yelled furiously. "Do it or I swear I'll refuse to talk to you!"

He scoffed. "At least I won't have to hear your constant bitching-Ow!" He yelped after feeling an uncomfortable pinch from the location Amy was stuck in. "Ow!" Another pinch. "Okay! I'm going!"

"Good," Amy growled, holding on for dear life as she felt Sideswipe stand up.

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><p>"You did <em>what<em>!" Ratchet bellowed, gripping a Cybertronian-sized stool in his hand tightly. His glare aimed straight at Sideswipe's face.

"He got me stuck!" Amy yelled out from deep inside her mate's armor.

"It wasn't my fault!" Sideswipe whined back. "I was itchy! She was the only one capable of reaching!"

Ratchet let out a loud groan, slamming his optics shut and pinching the bridge of his nose. Then, opening his optics back up, he shot Sideswipe yet another one of his famous and deadly glares. He held up the stool, "The only thing keeping me from throwing this at you is the fact that you have an organic jammed in your pathetic self!"

"Just get me out of here!" Amy's tiny voice was barely audible from how angry Ratchet was. He was too busy thinking of ways to offline the immature mech before him.

"Berth," Ratchet sat the stool down and pointed to the medical berth. "Sit. Now. You owe me a cup of high-grade for this."

"Just get the Pit-spawn out of me," Sideswipe replied bitterly, sitting on the berth like instructed. "OWW!" He nearly hit the ceiling at that one.

"Keep it up, Sides," came the voice from inside his armor. "I got my fingers ready."


	4. Drabble 3

**Thanks for the reviews! :) And suggestions!**

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><p>"Me climb, me climb!" Annabelle yelled, her tiny fingers and arms outstretched towards her massive, black-painted guardian.<p>

Ironhide looked around first before sighing down at the little girl. "Alright. Just _once_." With a smile, he watched the toddler's face bubble with excitement. Walking over to her guardian, she latched her hands and feet on parts of his armor and began to scale.

Ironhide made sure to keep his hands at least a foot below her in case she were to fall, all the while smiling down at his little pride and joy. He loved making her happy and if this was one of the few things capable of doing it, then so be it.

She surprisingly made it halfway up his armor, near his chest, when the door in front of him opened.

"Annie, sweetie, it's time for your check- Oh my _God! Ironhide_!" Sarah yelled.

Ironhide, shocked at the sudden outburst, made a grab for Annabelle. She rested safely in his hands, giggling and saying "Do again!"

"Uh-Sarah!" the gentle-giant stuttered for an excuse. It was then he realized that Ratchet was standing right next to her, looking less than pleased. "Ratchet, I-"

"What on Earth did you think you were doing?" Ratchet yelled, data pad in hand, waving it angrily in the air. "Give the child back to her mother! _Now_, you slagging, fragging, idiotic, brain-dead-"

"Ratchet!" Sarah gasped, holding her daughter's ears. She knew just how much Annabelle loved to repeat words the Autobots used. "Watch your mouth!"

Ratchet's jaw dropped at her. "_Excuse me!_ But I'm helping you!" He turned to the weapons specialist. "Ironhide, you are to report to Optimus about this. You're lucky you're not going to be thrown in the brig to think about what you've done!"

"Like I was _going_ to drop her," Ironhide scoffed, brushing past the medic and the tiny human femmes.

When he was gone, Sarah turned to face Ratchet, her face red with anger. "You better double those scans! I want to make sure she's okay."

"Sarah, I don't need scans to see that she is fi-"

"I said _scans_," Sarah barked. "I don't care what you think. I want to confirm she's alright."

Ratchet glared daggers. Wh-Who the _hell_ interrupted _him_ when he was speaking? "Insolent _woman_!"

"SCANS!"

With a deep sigh, Ratchet closed his optics and took a second to recuperate. What was the use in arguing with the mother of a child like Annabelle? Especially one who witnessed her daughter climbing the Eiffel Tower.

Opening them back up, he tried his best to speak with a more gentle tone. "Yes, Sarah. I will scan your daughter to insure her safety and health."

Sarah's face, which was blood-red and sure to have steam rising from her skin, suddenly cooled down and a soft smile wiped across her lips. "Thank you, Ratchet."

Reaching out a finger, Annabelle willingly took it and he guided her back to the med bay. _Must be her time of the month,_ Ratchet thought. Oh, how he hated dealing with mothers.


	5. Rule Set Number 2

**Here are more rules! Don't worry, I'll still be making drabbles for the first set of rules (inlcuding these ones) but I wanted to get this posted while I remembered! :)**

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><p><strong>1)<strong> Nitrous tanks aren't permitted in any vehicle. Last time that was allowed, a soldier was injured because some _idiot_ decided it was okay to blast through the walls. Not pointing out any names, but you know who you are.. Mirage, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker ***cough***

**2)** When in busy traffic, it is absolutely _not_ okay to blast ambulance or fire truck sirens out of your radios to get through quicker. You will be fined for this and _no_ Autobot on base has the money to afford it.

**3)** No medical jokes are allowed! "Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk by the cupboard quietly?" "So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills!" or "What did the vampire doctor shout out in his waiting room?" "'Necks please!'" IS NOT FUNNY. You'll be sent for the brig for such insolence! Plus, Sam and Mikaela are getting rather tired explaining them all to me..

**4)** You piss off Ironhide deliberately, you get no service from me. I refuse to fix idiots. Simple as that.

**5)** Ironhide and Chromia, next time your appointments are around the same time and I am not in the med bay, I do not want to walk in my _own_ quarters to find you two doing very inappropriate things! Next time it happens, I'll be welding your afts together. I don't want to have to hear, "Mommy, where was I created?" "In Ratchet's med bay, sweetspark." in the future. The sight is bad enough, I do not need the memories.

**6)** If you're in my medical bay, save the arguments for outside. The last time two Autobots, (Sunstreaker and Sideswipe) got into an argument, they broke multiple, rare, energon canisters. Next time it happens, I'll see to it that your next alternate modes are dinghy boats.

**7)** No cat calling, or wolf whistling when a femme in protoform is in my med bay. It's not welcome. At all. Chromia is Ironhide's spark mate and the last time that happened, Ironhide nearly killed a few mechs. Rule #4 applies to this, too.

**8)** If you get injured and I fix you, DON'T TOUCH IT. It's not pain free yet! I'm not re-fixing anything. I have other things I need to get done.

**9)** Off-roading is a no. Broken axles hurt and are a pain in the aft to fix. I catch you doing anything stupid, you get no service. Easy, right? Less work for me.

**10)** The movie Real Steel is banned. The base is not a boxing ring and you are not human-controlled robots. If any more incidents occur regarding that film, I'll be more than happy to shove some 'real steel' up your afts.

Thank you, that is all for now.

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><p><strong>Big thank you for the ideas! That includes: MISCrasyaboutfanfics for rule #3! Amai Seishin-Hime for rules #4, 5, 6 and 7! Noella50881 for rule #8! And Leonixon for rule #9! All the other rules are mine! :D<strong>

**I think I got everybody.. if not, I'm sorry and THANK YOU! :)**


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